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Saturday, June 21, 2008

I know that I can't tie him down, even if I miss him, so terribly that I'd cry when I knew I wasn't going to see him. He has a freedom of choice.

I've decided, I know he needs his enjoyment. And he needs rest. I know he will play games when he reaches home. And he will sometimes play till he's dead tired, but he probably continues. But I am afraid that he might not getrest. So, even if I want to see him badly, hug him badly, I'll supress them.

I wanted to see him so badly today. I was looking so forward to seeing him, that when alas I was disappointed, I broke down. My downward spiral of negative thoughts hounded me again.

I brought stuff to change and the things for tomorrow with me today... Tony was suggesting that I go to see him, because I miss him. Tony assured me that Ken Han would miss me too. But I refused. I wouldn't budge. I know Ken Han's tired, I know he is. I shouldn't be bugging him, even when I miss him... Even so, I truly admire Tony. He was so tired, so so tired, but he still came to accompany Amanda, simply because he missed her... I wished I had the courage, but no, I don't like to take the initiative (unless necessary).

But how evil I am! I know he's tired, yet I want him to make the effort. How ridiculous! Sometimes, I truly hate myself.

I was truly amazed at myself - how I could cry, be upset, and yet give encouragement at the same time. Ken Han has to book in at 8 pm on Sunday, whereas the rest of his friends can book in at 7.15 am on Monday. It was all because he brought a handphone charger into camp - because of me. I landed him in trouble. The moment I read his SMS, I cursed myself, but upon the realization that he brought the handphone charger into camp so that he would have ample battery power in his handphone to contact me, I was touched. He took the risk. I was pretty surprised, that I paused for a moment before deciding whether I should tell him I was feeling extremely guilty about it or I should thank him. Miraculously, I thanked him. I knew he was doing this because... I needed a lot of... attention. And... because of this, I, indeed suck.

I felt very regretful that Ken Han couldn't come on Sunday with my family to the karaoke when he originally (most likely) could... It's all because of me. I am the root of the trouble.

I don't know, but lately I've been missing him so much. I am replyng so much on him, it... sucks. I know he is concerned about me... But I made him so broke, he won't have enough money to buy his dad a gift. And I am the ultimate cause of that... Is he happy that I am relying on him?

I felt guilty. I wanted to make something for his dad with him to get rid of the guilt. I was afraid that if I went to his house or if we got together we would have nothing to do. I wanted uncle to be happy, too. I've always thought handmade gifts were the most perfect things you could give to a person. Because you put all your heart and effort into it...

But he rejected the idea. I felt worse. But my negative feeling dispersed when he said that he wasntthe kind of person who would make something... If Ken Han could make things for me, I'd love them. I shouldn't be imposing my views on him. He is one uniue individual too.

I have decided. I will bear the responsibilities of my own selfishness. If I can, I'll rely less on Ken Han.

He has his own life too. It can't just be me, me and me.

But then again, it hurts...

Why did I love? You ask. I'll tell you. I don't know. I just do.

{/12:18 AM}

Vintage Love:DD